bye111

I found or figured out the major codependency issue I have. It shows up as this maki thing or an possum. It symbolizes the holding or hanging onto someone. The dynamic is me being like the one who holds onto the person and my main issue has to do with disagreeing, having a separate opinion or emotion and energy and take on things. I also tend to idealize the person or I try to be like them and it's toxic. It's this sense of "I don't know what to do" when I need to separate or be different from someone I have developed the toxic relationship to. I also may obsess on the person and, okay I read this  but I literally have been doing it, try to heal them and fox them so they'd feel better and be free so that I'd also be free (if they agreed with me). But yeah it needs to stop. I also might talk with their voice or play them. What tends to trigger it is the person's disagreement or them being hurt. The  amount of tourment and guilt is horrible and I might b...

Im getting this thought attack that started this august when I was very low self-esteem very low self belief ad went into really negative fields so basically I'm under this constant attack from negative people and energies. I see this magnet and some kind of   cone. I have my self attack me (self blame, denying or blaming for emotions or ideas, dragging onto people, taking in negative thoughtforms, mushy thinking and poor boundaries, lack or personal will). Underneath there is this depression and suffocation of my life  force energies. It drags in stuff that makes me feel worse and just depression from the fields I'm at. The carton is this suction kind of a thing that keeps the attack on and it needs to end. Inside the depression is sadness and frustration and the sense of why does nobody get me and believe in me or see me (here) and then this giving into negativity and trying out others negativity and using bad coping mechanism that make it worse, like mentally using the...

-multiple lives in which I've been burnt at the stake /killed -a life where I was humiliated for my skin color and hair and it was taken from me to be this wig and the people I thought were nice ended up be the ones to take it from me -a life in which I was a peasant at this cotton field and I stole food from the owners and I had to give away my kids/I was imprisoned. There is some kind of this life thing that has to do with food -the one in which I was a clairvoyant, this dark haired lady  and I ended up telling about my gifts to the wrong person. It was a tumultuous time and it ended up the wrong way -the one in which I was lead astray by a person into this whole moose party and I was humiliated and  poisoned and killed. She was a friend of mine for a while in this life. She told me something that was heavily against my core values but I felt a huge shock while she sad it to me that was like a past life thing too. She betrayed me. -a life in which a person wanted me to be he...

Tyhjä vibraatio jossa on ihan sillee hämmennyksessä. Näkyy et on sellaiset seisovat silmät ja harmaata ja ne tyypit on yleensä myös ite harmaita. Mulle tulee mieleen että niiden pupillit seisoo ja ne on sillee kiinni. Sellanen on myös moni henkinen tyyppi joka on vaa unessa. Sit yksinkertaistuksessa eläminen on se kun on joku 1 olemisen malli ja se on täynnä näätää. Ja näätä on sellanen kun on joku joka yrittää alistaa lapsen tai henkilön tai tehdä siitä itsensä tai pakottaa mielipiteitär

I'm no longer allowed to force myself to be a human, a mammal type, a corniculate, take in the lamp light, use matrix services, explore trauma history, I'm not allowed to help them other than to say which way to go, explore other people's trauma, explore and test out matrix-energies,  ,, I'm no longer allowed to take up new roles, blame me for spirituality, force what j don't align with or doubt, blame me or doubt, look back

I have a leak in my aura that's allowing deceased spirits especially on my dad's side bombard and use my light. They try to attach onto me, live through me and they try to put their unhanded business down onto me. There are a lot of wounds regarding low-self esteem in terms of class, beliefs of being not-able, a lot of false and negative beliefs considering inheritance, shame, pride, parental enmeshment, bodily shame, misogny, being (unconsciously) a victim of misogny, sexual repression, sexual problems, jealousy of money or status, denial, punitativeness, shame of being unclean, thinking one's "dumb", guilting, submission,  encouraging silence, lack of boundaries, taboos, forced religiousness, rage, and just a lot of shame and belittlement towards kids, repressed anger, judgement. Overall there is this mean male voice that feels familiar (and I have been accepting it which is wrong) and this extremely toxic, almost (and in part actually) insestic tone enmeshing t...

Lucky or not, I do not deserve punishment EVER. Not for mistakes, not for mistakes, not for having it easy. I have a mean inner voice of my dad that wants to give me punishment for good things and also if I make a mistake or don't do what he likes and decide for myself. His voice blames me and doesn't want me to have my true power or self or opinion and he wants me to submit, which is always WRONG. I deserve to live without guilt or without forcing me to mold and without explaining my opinions and I deserve to live without a mask and without playing or pleasing or thinking about my parents. I deserve to live without asking for permission for my truths or opinions from anyone.

-saivartelu -alistus tms kun I know better -toisten energioiden sisää päästö -vakavan esitys tai tyhmän tai pelokkaan esitys tai Cord cutting välttö -overanalysis tai se kun silleee nöyttelen ja esitän mulle ja juoksen mua karkuun ja epäilen -kun ahmin ja väitän et jotkut jotka ei liene syyttäis mua ja sit ne loputtomat syytös kierteet ja therapeak juttu (hän sieltä hyväksyntää ja esitän dumb) -all or nothing  -thoughtform käyttö -et ei käsittele late traumoja -avuttoman esitys -esitän vanhempia enemmän ku mitää ja nii paljo kun mahdollista -syytän sielua egoistiseks -väitän toista henkilöä mun sielukas  -epäilyjutut turhasta -saanan esitys,Arjan esitys, äidin esitys, avuttoman esitys -avuttoman esitys -biisirn tulkinta sillee vasten mun tahtoa -se kun selitän inkalle  -loukkaannus kun joku ei tajua -takertuminen sanoihin ja loukkaannus ja avuttomuus  -obsessiot ja saivartelu ja se kun takerrun siihen mikä is bad for me -arja hamonen approval seeking

It lives on me blaming myself or taking blame for being abused emotionally or sexually or being lied to and it tries to make me think I'm guilty and it lives on this jam that is like guilt and fear and me lying to myself in the sense that I'm trying to make myself guilty for others hurting me. Or denying my truth and abandoning myself and turning against myself. It tries to convince me I like people I dislike or that I'm wrong and others are right and it mimics and blames me and tries to claim I need something I hate and it tries to lead me astray and it also tries to tell me I'm crazy or sick when I'm not and it lives on any kind of trauma where I've been made guilty or I've been controlled or projected on and abused and it uses it, especially when I haven't been understood or seen because everyone around me has been asleep or has allowed the abuse to happen and I've been left alone. And I've been misunderstood and projected on and there are all...

I keep on playing a victim and giving into stuff I know is not good for me and sabotaging and taking this panic mode and I feed fear and play helpless or dumb.  I keep on forcing other's negative energies upon me, especially ones I'm hurt by or I don't like or I know are not for me. Or I simply  keep letting  in outside energy and I purposefully draw it and look for things I could be hurt by. it started last November when I disagreed and still do and always will, with a friend and I got guilt and anger and I ended up doing the what I do. Then the thing spread to other areas and I began to give into wrong people or letting blaming voices or other people's trauma or negative energies or fears in. It's this trip in the lower realms and the main theme is giving into others -- instead of what I know or what is my intuition or what my body says. It's sabotage but also doubt and victimization and avoiding what I know and playing weak and it leads to in an NPC mode. I h...

I was sexually abused and raped by  caregivers multiple times as a kid and it's only now that I'm able to fully admit it. I always felt I was raped and at first I thought it refers to the culture and frequency being so off, which also is true and feels like rape or a kill, but I actually was raped.  -the basement -the cruise cabin -the island cabin -the van -the bedroom 1 -bedroom 2 -the sauna  -Riitta T  It's fucking terrifying but now that I no longer live with them or won't be seeing or imagining a future with them or seek validation from a therapist or mom (who would never believe me), I'm going to spill the shit out. I fucking was sexually abused. And finally "oh doesn't it feel nice" (not) makes sense. And that's where the disturbing stuff is stemming from, a literal incest. I've been knowing it for a long time tho but I've been doubting it. Now I'm going to come out clear. Another thing is the fucking disturbing looks dad's f...

For the longest time I've been trying to figure out this Nurmo Joensuu Kouvola Karjala place and what it symbolizes and I figure it's this deep hate towards children, seeing them as nothing, trying to teach rules, law, class, teaching authority, forcing this idea of familial ties and then this folklore obsession. I see it as this suffocating sleeping bag that I got each time I was belittled as kid (funnily enough whenever I tried to tell about it in therapy I was disregarded or belittled and it was not taken seriously (by traumawalker therapists). Then there is this whole class thing that's not talked about and shame and pride and frowning and prejudice and also belief of not being get rid of it ( a lie) and religious programming and pity.  To me it shows up especially christmas-themed as it was the only time I ever was interested in relatives and so it is and will be. There's this huge guilt program of owing something to family and not saying no and it being a taboo an...

In terms of letting go what also came through was the people I thought would be "spiritual" were actually either players or just religiously programmed and full of fear and egotism or self pity. or occasionally, kind and we'll wishing but never done any actual work and the inner reflection was not deep and the depth was the basic storyline/mimicry/authority copy kind of depth and admiration of something that's just a lie. It's like they want to take this role yet they have nothing to offer and they take pride for providing something that's nothing. I used to admire this singing teacher and I really wanted her admiration and I literally wanted to be her and I wanted to be part of her family but I've realized she was not much anything and I actually am very much against people like her, at least to an extent. I believe that on an actual soul level there is some actual wisdom and in part there is some spirit but a lot of her is just a bag of trauma trying to...

I've been trying to figure out what in my field is my me mirroring others on purpose, which are internalized voices (belittling, blaming, patronizing, controlling in any way, shaming, disregarding) and which entities. Currently in terms of entities I know 3. The latest one is this monkey-like creature that mimics other people's worry, fear, sadness, unconsciousness or dumbness and it feeds on my fear and guilt for how much I know about myself. The leak was a traumatizing event in early June. I told way too much to a wrong person that projected her fear and shame upon me. I got ptsd and ended up blaming myself with her voice and just overall thinking about mean and closed-off people judging me for what is my actual core true nature and divine justice. I now have this extremely mean and nihilistic doctor voice that diminishes me and calls me crazy and I mimic the facial expressions, talk, and energy of the  person who gave me the ptsd and in the trauma even idealize her. It's...