rodent

It lives on me blaming myself or taking blame for being abused emotionally or sexually or being lied to and it tries to make me think I'm guilty and it lives on this jam that is like guilt and fear and me lying to myself in the sense that I'm trying to make myself guilty for others hurting me. Or denying my truth and abandoning myself and turning against myself. It tries to convince me I like people I dislike or that I'm wrong and others are right and it mimics and blames me and tries to claim I need something I hate and it tries to lead me astray and it also tries to tell me I'm crazy or sick when I'm not and it lives on any kind of trauma where I've been made guilty or I've been controlled or projected on and abused and it uses it, especially when I haven't been understood or seen because everyone around me has been asleep or has allowed the abuse to happen and I've been left alone. And I've been misunderstood and projected on and there are all these false stories of what I need, like or want or what happened and I feel extreme anger and hate but I doubt so much and I end up turning it into myself and then there is this inner blamer and forcer. And the rodent strives on it too. It's like I force myself to go against my will and intuition and opinion. It's like letting other's to control me or lead me astray and take this trauma mode of allowing others to do so and I feel extreme rage and anger and frustration and it's useless and I keep on splitting because I don't see how I allow it to happen

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