omg codependent

I found or figured out the major codependency issue I have. It shows up as this maki thing or an possum. It symbolizes the holding or hanging onto someone. The dynamic is me being like the one who holds onto the person and my main issue has to do with disagreeing, having a separate opinion or emotion and energy and take on things. I also tend to idealize the person or I try to be like them and it's toxic. It's this sense of "I don't know what to do" when I need to separate or be different from someone I have developed the toxic relationship to. I also may obsess on the person and, okay I read this  but I literally have been doing it, try to heal them and fox them so they'd feel better and be free so that I'd also be free (if they agreed with me). But yeah it needs to stop. I also might talk with their voice or play them. What tends to trigger it is the person's disagreement or them being hurt. The  amount of tourment and guilt is horrible and I might blame myself tremendously and I try to find them everywhere. I'm also tense and tight and suppressed and I lie to myself and it's horror, especially because when I go against my own truth and values when I act based from the wound. When it eases, I feel light and so good and simple. It's mostly someone who reminds me of my mom or so that I end up creating the relationship to and when the trauma is active they show up as these ducks or chicken and it's like I'm in their nest and it's horrible and I feel like there's this "egg" that's like the false self that's created if I neglect myself. I also play the people they are often toxic 


Another thing especially with my mom are these rags that symbolize, specifically, the way she hangs onto me and there's like this undirect expectation of loving her ad taking care of her from her towards me (toxic) and this thought of me needing her while I never actually get anything. also this projection she has that has nothing to do with me. 

Popular posts from this blog

it was wild

I was sexually abused and raped by  caregivers multiple times as a kid and it's only now that I'm able to fully admit it. I always felt I was raped and at first I thought it refers to the culture and frequency being so off, which also is true and feels like rape or a kill, but I actually was raped.  -the basement -the cruise cabin -the island cabin -the van -the bedroom 1 -bedroom 2 -the sauna  -Riitta T  It's fucking terrifying but now that I no longer live with them or won't be seeing or imagining a future with them or seek validation from a therapist or mom (who would never believe me), I'm going to spill the shit out. I fucking was sexually abused. And finally "oh doesn't it feel nice" (not) makes sense. And that's where the disturbing stuff is stemming from, a literal incest. I've been knowing it for a long time tho but I've been doubting it. Now I'm going to come out clear. Another thing is the fucking disturbing looks dad's f...
Read more

parrots and snacks

sugar makes my mind and thoughts go blurry and cloudy. It makes me want to not to decide and give into bad ideas. And then I feel off and angry and then I get more sugary stuff, or wheat or milk, and the same thing happens. I try to avoid cutting ties to mom and her opinions or to thinking what they are. And she, this is a separate thing from my addiction and avoidance pattern (just to make it clear to me), gives food and offers food and I'm scared of letting her go because then I wouldn't have the food she offers. I get a false happiness and a false high and while I'm at it , I honestly am not interested in my truth or anything that actually matters. I feel disappointed and frustrated and it feels like my life is at a pause , it's a false life and even though I feel good it feels off. It feels like a fake layer above my actual mood and I feel anxiety from it I don't want the food anymore it's not real. Anyways, it's her, like, all I ever got from her. It...
Read more

Entities and mimicry spirits

Image
I've been trying to figure out what in my field is my me mirroring others on purpose, which are internalized voices (belittling, blaming, patronizing, controlling in any way, shaming, disregarding) and which entities. Currently in terms of entities I know 3. The latest one is this monkey-like creature that mimics other people's worry, fear, sadness, unconsciousness or dumbness and it feeds on my fear and guilt for how much I know about myself. The leak was a traumatizing event in early June. I told way too much to a wrong person that projected her fear and shame upon me. I got ptsd and ended up blaming myself with her voice and just overall thinking about mean and closed-off people judging me for what is my actual core true nature and divine justice. I now have this extremely mean and nihilistic doctor voice that diminishes me and calls me crazy and I mimic the facial expressions, talk, and energy of the  person who gave me the ptsd and in the trauma even idealize her. It's...
Read more