on deceased spirits bombarding my field
I have a leak in my aura that's allowing deceased spirits especially on my dad's side bombard and use my light. They try to attach onto me, live through me and they try to put their unhanded business down onto me. There are a lot of wounds regarding low-self esteem in terms of class, beliefs of being not-able, a lot of false and negative beliefs considering inheritance, shame, pride, parental enmeshment, bodily shame, misogny, being (unconsciously) a victim of misogny, sexual repression, sexual problems, jealousy of money or status, denial, punitativeness, shame of being unclean, thinking one's "dumb", guilting, submission, encouraging silence, lack of boundaries, taboos, forced religiousness, rage, and just a lot of shame and belittlement towards kids, repressed anger, judgement. Overall there is this mean male voice that feels familiar (and I have been accepting it which is wrong) and this extremely toxic, almost (and in part actually) insestic tone enmeshing tone I've been feeling a huge bombardment and it's been off.
In part it's caused by me awakening and in part a trauma I had during a ptsd state with my dad that showed his true nature very clearly. I changed my name and he disapproved of it and kept using my old name with this objectifying, owning and misogynistic, punitative tone and calling me by his surname and pumping his fist onto the table and demanding respect for him. my personal values do not include surnames and I don't do submission or shame and the whole thing was disgusting and scary and absolutely horrifying and terrifying. I had been analyzing and I was aware of his hatred towards me and his attitude towards women and children but seeing it or feeling it was scary and terrorizing and it was a total oversteppimg of boundaries. I told my true opinion to him straight up and there which I'm so so so so proud of even though I shaked and froze and lost touch to my true energy and ended up mirroring him back. I told him I have absolutely nothing to do with them and he had NO RIGHT to objectify me and I By NO MEANS carry or represent ANYTHING of his family and I'm nobody's property and never will be. He didn't believe me and also mom was on his side, not in a yelling kind of a way but she is deep asleep and in this punished shame-induced state. He ended up apologizing because of mom's forcing and he had this self-pity tone of "I get to say nothing, but you need punishment and rules, someone needs to give you some shame and show how to express respect". ( I don't do respect). I felt deep deep deep pain, suffering, terror, horror, overstepping, and disgust and such deep anger. I was too scared, too neglected and unseen by obvilious people and too much in a-ptsd state to begin with I ended up turning it into myself and mimicking the misogynistic and off sexual energies of the dad. I know am in a moving state in which I still have lingering emotions especially towards him and his mother whom I actually liked. I'm at the verge of letting go completely but then I have these disturbing blaming thoughts from mom, a friend, A and T and these voices of "forgive and let them back in, don't be so cold and harsh, don't be so dramatic, have compassion, you need them"(lies). I keep on thinking about nice swimming and amusement park memories and I also am lonely and have low self esteem and I end up having these thoughts of lingering back. however the message from my higher self is a complete cord cut and it will be harsh and dead clear, cut, clear and go. Another thing, whether you like someone or not, or someone gets u or not, NEVER MIMIC, NEVER TAKE UP A ROLE, NEVER HIDE, NEVER SUBMIT, NEVER CHANGE YOUR OPINION FOR OTHERS, DON'T ENMESH, DONT TAKE IN ENERGY, EMOTION, ANYTHING, KEEP IT CLEAR.
The high stress levels I had made me have this horrible OCD attack. I ended up getting deeper and deeper into the negative fields. The biggest ones were representing someone or being owned by someone, status, projection, being "proper", punishment, separation and identity, objectification, enmeshment, idealization of dad (..for things he doesn't like or do...) and a false belief on inheriting traits, abilities, looks, sex or skill and this disgusting nepotism vibe and this inheritance talk. I ended up mimicking and drawing in energies (and now finally I'm going to release trying to fit in the _2_D. They are a c t u a l energies, not cutesy and just mimicry, which makes it horrible, and what makes it even horrible is the invalidation u get when u talk to therapists, people unconscious or not believing of energies or not knowing what I'm referring to / false healers who don't sense energies properly) and emotions from the energy plane energies like crazy and then attaching onto them because of fear and the mindset the OCD attack gave me and also the depression that was the result.
Another thing is people and the collective (and especially the fields I end up drawing in because of the thoughts and energies I hold, especially with me being depressed and in a ptsd, self-punishment state) being not conscious or having thoughtforms or subconscious energies despite speech-level positive beliefs that don't see what I'm talking about. or people completely obvilious and asleep or negative or people living in self neglect. I also ended up blaming me for my shadow work (and then avoiding it), my way of being, turning against myself and acting obvilious to my opinions and emotions, punishing so much so I got horrible headaches, shaming me for the purge and looking myself through misunderstanding and judgemental eyes, forcing other's views upon me, forcing me to neglect me. It was worsened by the traumatized voice of A and AK and the belittling tone of AS and the panicky submissive yet patronizing myet doubtful tone of mom and I ended up in this validation seeking loop (.. from obvilious people who don't get it who made me doubt) and in this sharing and mixing up energies and data and over sharing (both in the physical and energetic level) and mimicry of people in self neglect mode and self sabotage and punishment. It was horrible.
