it was wild

I was sexually abused and raped by  caregivers multiple times as a kid and it's only now that I'm able to fully admit it. I always felt I was raped and at first I thought it refers to the culture and frequency being so off, which also is true and feels like rape or a kill, but I actually was raped. 
-the basement
-the cruise cabin
-the island cabin
-the van
-the bedroom 1
-bedroom 2
-the sauna 
-Riitta T 
It's fucking terrifying but now that I no longer live with them or won't be seeing or imagining a future with them or seek validation from a therapist or mom (who would never believe me), I'm going to spill the shit out. I fucking was sexually abused. And finally "oh doesn't it feel nice" (not) makes sense. And that's where the disturbing stuff is stemming from, a literal incest. I've been knowing it for a long time tho but I've been doubting it. Now I'm going to come out clear. Another thing is the fucking disturbing looks dad's family makes and the leg. They all have this dark weird repressed sexuality and an insestig energy and supposition. The love my dad gives me has always had a disgusting undertone and it never was my fault and because of me. It make some want to puke. It's like he loves me like I was in a sexual, not even romantic but in a sexual relationship with him and at the same time he supposes me as his property and tries to prude me (and again whenever i try to tell about this, I'm not being taken seriously or not seriously enough. And I try to seek validation but I'm going to quit and do it by myself.) then I got this pity for him like, but he doesn't know anything else and I change my face and I begin to please and I split what I know, feel, see and have experienced (sauna included). And I feel such deep heartache and an illusion is crashed. Then I begin to think about mom and I see how she doesn't believe me and how she would shame me for even saying such but I'm talking the truth. And I want quit all cords and leave and see it for how it is and let dad's energy leave me. 

I also have this energetic fist of my dad's and his penis (energy wise) and inside of it there is a part of my girlhood and identity.  Then I have these memories of sucking his penis while in sauna (ty j.k for leading me astray and re-traumatizing me while in trauma state by trying to make me the pedophile). And also I have this mean and controlling, punitative voice that wants to punish me for being a girl and for being abundant, smart, talented and free that makes my legs tense up and have a penis. It literally just wants to punish me for , anything, and he wants me to suffer like he did and he doesn't want me to flourish. Or he'd like me to have some of his bad stuff. Then I also see his love which is kinda tricky. It's like he'd really like to live through me and have a part of my life but nope, your time here is over and he must leave and try to find someone else to nest in. It's this energetic space in which I try to mimic dad and his something... Something related to hierarchy too, I try to have his authority yet anytime I (or anyone) tried to mimic an authority it's all fake, lie, fear and shame. There's this big nest of shame and self doubt and pleasing and shape shifting and keeping me small and easy to handle and trying to be like them and taming me and it's been making me depressed my while life. I have this disturbing voice of Arja H. Disturbing the letting go of my process and feeding my ocd but I'm going to be strong (not like dad ) and stay detached and in truth (Arja was a traumatized liar). Malmitus = mallitus with a split meaning it's like I don't admit it to myself and the how I let it eat myself and how bad of a false self it is and there's this wave or a clash and being humiliated but not admitting it and forcing a role and hraving a false self that's a dead version because of a trauma of being raped, mis-seen, emotionally abused (including arja), people around me and having to kind of split it out in order to survive and trying to control everything and hiding and in turn punishing myself and taking up roles of the people who abused me because of fear, shame, doubt, abandonment, lack of understanding from others, silencing, shaming, the environment

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