Entities and mimicry spirits
I've been trying to figure out what in my field is my me mirroring others on purpose, which are internalized voices (belittling, blaming, patronizing, controlling in any way, shaming, disregarding) and which entities. Currently in terms of entities I know 3. The latest one is this monkey-like creature that mimics other people's worry, fear, sadness, unconsciousness or dumbness and it feeds on my fear and guilt for how much I know about myself. The leak was a traumatizing event in early June. I told way too much to a wrong person that projected her fear and shame upon me. I got ptsd and ended up blaming myself with her voice and just overall thinking about mean and closed-off people judging me for what is my actual core true nature and divine justice. I now have this extremely mean and nihilistic doctor voice that diminishes me and calls me crazy and I mimic the facial expressions, talk, and energy of the person who gave me the ptsd and in the trauma even idealize her. It's surrounded by this hand sanitizer feel and her energy that's shame, pity, disbelief and disgust towards me. The situation was extremely scary and I got this feeling of I can't believe what you're doing to me and extreme shame and absolute horror and terror. The person I was dealing with totally overstepped my personal boundaries. She had absolutely NO right to try to control or belittle or assert any kind of dominance upon me. I absolutely don't accept control or objectification or hierarchy of any kind and it was deeply, deeply, deeply against my core truths, not values but truths. It was absolutely disgusting.
It's a literal hell, an upside down, where they believe in determinism, guilt, fear, other people, outside circumstances, idk, anything .
It was literal poison and it was like facing a literal monster, the very people I'm here to fight against (no joke). I realized it, afterwards tho, and I realized I was talking to her about people like her. She actually was full of the actual matrix kind of darkness, the kind of that is from being empty and being an actual NPC. I didn't really know my take on the thing before the experience and being able to see it clairvoyantly. The trauma I got was deep and hurt me and made me blame myself with her voice. I wondered if we have a past life experience but I think i just have similar experiences, not with her most likely but people like her, where I express myself and my truth or just express and something horrible happens and someone tries to hinder me or kill me. I don't know whether it was earlier or after the June event but I even got these imageriws of a lady that slightly reminds me of her, trying to cut off my own vibration and sences surprisingly. I simply see his not great hue and being taken to a doctor and being tried to silence and cut off my true knowledge and shaming and judging for it and instead putting this false reality of theirs and this wrong energy (matrix). She was an actual antipasto, like a piece of cheese or like ratfood, or like, a trap, a person who tires to get you to forget who you are or who actually tries to make you forget and close off, who actually tries to diminish, who believes in hierarchy and control. It was so brutally wrong, what she did, and it's also so disgustingly off and terrifying how it's being enabled and how the people around me are okay with it and it's normalized. It's disgusting off and wrong .I'm glad I was able to cut the tie before it got any worse. I need to keep my mouth shut it appears and stop seeking for validation. I'm so deeply deeply deeply disgusted, terrified, ashamed, disgusted and endlessly disgusted by her and people like her and how it's allowed. I was able to save me from her but it could have been so .much.worse. and I know it could have been so much worse.
The disgust I feel towards my mom is also extremely deep for her response and how she still sees nothing in me except herself or my brother despite her words. She sees me as weak and kinda weak and not able but still okay, and thinks I'd be a loud and great leader (like her) or a calm psychologist/healer/listener (not me at all, I hate it, a trauma role I had to create to deal with her and her panic and control in order to survive). And when I try to tell her how bad dad has traumatized me, she doesn't see it, see doesn't believe me, she thinks I'm making it up or just "trying to create space to grow up" or that "it's a phase" or that I'm just "overanalyzing". or she talks over me and compares to herself in a way that doesn't catch my point at all. And she is in dad's side and doesn't believe in me at all and she is (unconsciously) a misogynist herself and is very similar to dad, not as bad but they're both the same. They both only see me as an extension of their ego and don't want to see anything real in me and omg I'm feeling an energy move so hear came a truth. They both really do not want to see who I really am. Even mom despite she accepts the name change. It's the voice of A.S that makes me inhibit what I actually see and try to shut my eyes from how horrible they actually are. It appears "parenteesi" means to be nothing but an extension for someone else's ego and to be objectified and being supposed as nothing but some kind of, object or something to be owned and controlled without an actual will or self. Too bad they're not my actual parents, no matter how much they try.
And how she thinks she's all I got and that I need her and that I was a happy child. Or how she thinks I'll be like her. Or her little psychologist. Or how she tries to live trough me and how she still, after all the years and what I have expressed, pushes onto me the very thing I hate. I feel absolute disgust.
This is also where the blame hits deep and I occasionally turn against myself or look at myself like I'm weird, stupid, crazy, sick even though what I know and I already have my actual truth.