my bad

In terms of letting go what also came through was the people I thought would be "spiritual" were actually either players or just religiously programmed and full of fear and egotism or self pity. or occasionally, kind and we'll wishing but never done any actual work and the inner reflection was not deep and the depth was the basic storyline/mimicry/authority copy kind of depth and admiration of something that's just a lie. It's like they want to take this role yet they have nothing to offer and they take pride for providing something that's nothing. I used to admire this singing teacher and I really wanted her admiration and I literally wanted to be her and I wanted to be part of her family but I've realized she was not much anything and I actually am very much against people like her, at least to an extent. I believe that on an actual soul level there is some actual wisdom and in part there is some spirit but a lot of her is just a bag of trauma trying to suck from people. I give credit to her for certain phrases at painful times but many times I've been led astray and I've longed for her acceptance and something that never even was there and I've been disappointed many times. I see this birdlike creature trying to suck energy and giving the matrix light back in return. She's this energy vampire that I've been allowing in my field for way too long and I feel what I'm craving for or sucking from her is something similar with my mother. They both grew up in the same region and there is something similar. Then there is this whole mess about a re-traumatizing, traumatized sleepwalker therapist and the singing teacher suggesting me trying another therapist and me going to her in an attempt to gain some kind of score or to get closer to the teacher even though I actually didn't want any kind of therapy. And the second therapist also traumatizing me and also projecting her unhanded business upon me and me begin to doubt and diminish myself. Upon reconnecting with the teacher for the final time I realized it's time to let her go and let go of her family and the dynamics.  There are all these victimization, fear, playing a fake role, supposing authority, trying to appear as "light", money catchers, never-actually-doing anything kind of things. 

They all play these characters and dig it and encourage it which is fake and horrible. They all also carry this shame and fera that they are completely unaware of that leads to giving power away and putting people pleasing or playing a "healer" with this fake light or a character of a healer or a normal person and living in actual fear and shame. It's all just a story and a fear program and it's fucking pathetic and disgusting.  

More on c

It's not that she was evil she was simply wounded and asleep, like playing the christian stuff and just having a matrix vibe yet playing this sage archetype. She was so nice and I actually liked her but what she advocates for is just fake light and darkness (disguised as light).I'm in the verge of should I let go of something she gave to me, like gifts, and how I should feel about her. Another thing, I found this energy model that relates to low self-esteem and shame for class that shows up as this specific energy that includes making a joke out if oneself, considering one dumb or not believing in oneself or in anyone. Or repressing anger and putting this "kind" mask or "empathy" mask on top of it or referring to peace - love - spiritual - compassion lie. It shows up to me as this red ball and doorhang and then there's this black and white splitting and then there is the "empathy" energy. It's all very sticky and I remember seeing it and modeling it and finding it suffocating and weird. I always had a take on the empathy cult but this is kinda different because there is a certain trauma pattern. I feel intense shame and like being considered dumb. I feel as though people create all these false selves to deal with it instead of dealing with the original wound that I believe stems from being belittled or seeing as nothing or vulgar by a caregiver or them projecting their low self-esteem or class and the related beliefs, even subconsciously, to their kids and then them taking them and not dealing with them or being too scared to face them or not dealing with them seriosuly. And then there is this "being bad", like shamed and "vulgarized " for being angry towards a parent and the same shows up in any kind of dynamic, especially in any kind of where there is a supposed authority. I manifested a situation exactly like this earlier at fall and it was this person trying to "help" by taming me and trying to teach me "control". I literally saw this image of her trying to offer me a suffocating fake heart and trying to make me "direct my anger so that it doesn't hurt me". It's devastating and I had high hopes for her but bye miss.

 I strongly think most therapy is just designed to keep people in the matrix (I'll be posting more on it). Also the whole language of having hobbies and so on and using "coping mechanisms" instead of actually living, is absolutely disgusting. It's like art, for instance, is a "coping mechanism" and life is just an act, for, who ? It's like there is this happy old lady, that's happy when it goes along the script. Ah, now you can relax, and breathe... you have been sammatized, matrixchised, calmed down, nervous-samed... welcome to warm hands!!!! And room temperature and furniture. Heart coherence and so on, if you're into certain new age cults!!  it's absolutely disgusting and I'm horrified by people that I used to look up to, like F, actually seek to go for that or accept it or look up to therapists as their authorities. It's an absolute no from me and absolutely against my values. I don't "practice", I don't "hobby". It's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I don't fake live. I don't do day and night, I don't do time and place. U don't do authority, I don't do teacher and student, I don't do guilt, I don't do representing, I don't do love and light.

Rolling in the deep

Okay then I got the song playing and ithis nasty image of a penis or whatnot that sticks to my head and this a sticker that's in old car windows. I got that a trauma state stemming from being objectified and looked down upon and also seeing the model of other thinking it's hard and negative and being in this, what I would describe as "impossible" frequency (because it's so unnatural and off to me), I've been disconnected from my main function here which is to sing. I've been able to sing the whole fucking time but the fucking trauma and being in a fucking fake frequency has been keeping me apart from my core self that's able to sing basically anything. I also used to be a trained coloratura so that's neat!!! However my mimicry game and how I'm letting negative energy in and other people, include c, to suck energy from me , is making my energy pollute. There's another thing that relates to it and that's ohibiting me from my true self and I think it's playing mom and trying to live as her and giving energy to her OR looking up to her, OR, to some psychologist, OR, any "adult", while it's actually killing my power and polluting me more than ever. It's making me turn against myself and using something against me and making me lose touch with me and it traumatizes me and makes me have a trauma self and gather in darkness.  Then I got rolling in the deep and it symbolizes, I suppose, me seeing the people I'm looking at for what they are and leaving them be and cutting of cords. And that they thought they had my love but it was all in their head, and I could have had it all and suppose rolling in the deep has to do with me letting other's energy affect me etc, being in the matrix fields. And like fine call me crazy psychotic too much think I'm lower than I think I can't you can see me as whatever u like but I'm going to stop caring stop playing stop mirroring bye. Then I got something about thymus and letting go of C especially and I got I have a huge past life trauma with her that had created this strong wall and she used to be my mother in  a past life and we have actual vows and they are now to be broken. There is this, a piece of me being lost, kind of feeling, that relates to me not being able to scream even though I have a very high voice and I love to scream. There are other factors too, like misogyny and shameful home-environment and being controlled and looked down upon and laughed at but there's past life stuff too with c.