the wrong one

My only friend at the moment is annoyingly gaslit, sleepy and unclear and it's driving me crazy. I hate how easy she lets others direct her and how brainwashed she is and just let's it slip and how slow she is. It drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet I keep seeking acceptance and guidance from her. It's driving me C R A Z Y. She annoys me like crazy and I cling onto her and it makes me tear hair from my head. I also take her doubt and cloudiness and it makes it horrible it makes me abandon myself and I feel horror and I don't know which role to take and sometimes I might turn the irritation or disgust and anger I have towards me, to me. 

On the other end, she mirrors back my doubtful and side that gives in to others and acts ignorant which I dislike. I directly talked to her yesterday about a certain dynamic I have that causes me pain and I had this wording of "it's as if I was looking into a mirror". I thought it meant something like that it would tell about a dynamic in my mind but I was talking about her. I said it out loud to her which is ironic and I feel guilty and fucking annoyed. She's brainwashed and silenced and unclear and I just can't stand people like her. She's utterly asleep and full of fear and has this false role yet I thought she'd be interested in spiritual stuff but turns out she's one of the NPCs, just of a different kind.in my mind she shows up as this red cone and it's symbolizes this ruining by modeling someone that's asleep and especially just ignorant, unconscious, easily controlled, not believing or interested of what's going on. I feel exhaustion, anxiety, sweat, sloughty and like a snail and doubt and smile. It makes me uncomfortable af. The same happens if I play my mom or any other person that's asleep and ignores or denies or is just not knowing of the actual world, atonism, the spirit world, of certain programs. It's horrible. I no longer won't be doing it. I'm getting this sense of the silence of the lambs. I don't know I should watch it. It would symbolize being unaware. And here I go with another guilt attack but honestly I'm done with the guilt and playing cute or false powerful it's fake.

Anyways on the friend it turns out she's not what I thought she is and it's the same projection thing I have with everyone apparently. I'm so dissappointed and anxious. I need to stop mimicking her and taking her doubts. Overall I need to stop seeking acceptance and I need to learn to how to disagree and not let others affect me. I've talked about this with the later actually decent therapist and my codependency issues. I seriosuly struggle with letting other's have a different opinion or just be different or a, including, have a wound or something I notice in them that I think they shouldn't have or could be free of and I have this saviour complex. Or I might take up their energy or unconsciousness or negative belief or overall something I don't want.

 I'll stop seeking reassurance and acceptance from her and if there's any I need to stop clinging onto her. I'm just so dissappointed I hoped she'd be interested in spirituality and miracles and be aware but she's not and she has quite a, not negative but unconscious and just not interested in what I thought and, like, lethargic (sorry). She's not who I was  looking for.

She's nice and non-judgemental tho that I like!! 



Another secret I have, it seems I try to get status from friends. I currently don't study anything in any school but she studies philosophy and I try to get status from her and overall I try to choose friends that look good or make me look good. (Funnily, she's not a very philosophical person ). I have shame and anxiety for not being in school yet even tough it's been a personal choice of mine to get the crap out of me first but there is or it's becoming intensely more clear , the part of fear of failure and not  being perfect and self-doubt and this wound that happened while in high school. It's become a more recurring theme and I will have to make my choice. I could have chosen to not seek acceptance and follow my intuition while in highschool and I could have avoided all the mess that happened and I was able to do all the searching and heading by myself much quicker and very fast and easy but it's the approval and acceptance and admiration seeking that makes me be in a trap. It's an easy trap to get out of if I'm just willing to get off the train.  

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