parrots and snacks

sugar makes my mind and thoughts go blurry and cloudy. It makes me want to not to decide and give into bad ideas. And then I feel off and angry and then I get more sugary stuff, or wheat or milk, and the same thing happens. I try to avoid cutting ties to mom and her opinions or to thinking what they are. And she, this is a separate thing from my addiction and avoidance pattern (just to make it clear to me), gives food and offers food and I'm scared of letting her go because then I wouldn't have the food she offers. I get a false happiness and a false high and while I'm at it , I honestly am not interested in my truth or anything that actually matters. I feel disappointed and frustrated and it feels like my life is at a pause , it's a false life and even though I feel good it feels off. It feels like a fake layer above my actual mood and I feel anxiety from it I don't want the food anymore it's not real. Anyways, it's her, like, all I ever got from her. It's her way of keeping me away from my actual self and gifts and beauty. The same thing happened in 2014 and 2018. She gets happy when I feel low and when I eat and get ugly and feel weird. She feels oddly satisfied. She'd like to keep me to herself and under her control and radar and she doesn't want me to succeed unless it's like I have her personality, her role, belief, monetal status, her class) or I'm not better than her or richer or if I'm different, she begins to feel salty, like bitter. And, she doesn't believe in who 

I feel like I'm being forced to have something I don't actually want. I never would have wanted to eat in the first place , especially sugary wheat stuff or eat that much anyways but it's like someone forced me, any caregiver ever. I never was hungry I was feeling disgust. I had so much 

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