bye111

Paljastui ensinäki se et miten mulla on ylimääräinen pää, mun tekemänä koska mä olin nii epätunnistettu ja hylätty. Oon ihan hukassa ja pimiössä ja ei missään. Samalla oon ihan henkihieverissä ja leijuissa ja yllättää ja en saa henkeä.  yritin tehdä mulle sellasen öö, no lahkopään. Tai sen nimi oli joku koju tai kopu. Tai valepään, et olisin ymmärretty ja tää on vähä random XD mut geeniperusteltu. ne ei oo siis geenejä mut sellainen Valeminä yritin vaa vibe match vähän liiankin intensiivisesti ja se pitää tuhota et keskushermosto vapautuu . Sit tuli myös  raiskausmuistot. Sit paljastui dynamiikkoja rodentin alla (se on se että pelkään jotain ja syytän mua ja joku on liian vaikee kestää). Sit oli muistoja siitä miten en kestä tätä energiaa yhtää (tää kaupunki tietyt energiat ja suru menetyksestä pegasukseen ja tähtioppaisiin. Sit on paljon vapautta liikkellä koska niistä raiskausmuistousta irtipäästö ja myös pari muuta ihan sika tärkeetä. Ja sit tuli että on kierroksen lop...

Hello fam it's me not Cathy but anyways so three key cases A. I got locked out of my apartment and I had to order a door lock opener person B. I lost my second pair of keys and I found them a moth later (I was sure I had lost them or thrown them away accidentally but no!! They were in between a washing machine and the fridge...?) C. The house key at my p and j was lost last Friday D. I had forgotten my work keys at work...  sign enough.... But for what...............

What's making me depressed is being in this town, in this place, with these people, with these masks, with these projections, with the people having the ideals and energy they have and them being fine with it and especially the silent expectation from my mom and parents. I'm depressed because this is not who I am and what I'm meant to do and I'm depressed people don't see more in me and people's happiness is so empty and meaningless and what they consider nice is empty to me and what they like is just a taught mask and they don't see or believe in magic and they like the what I deem as toxic or just a mask and a lie (I have throat chakra activation).  That's the thing I woke up into every day and it's the  "forbidden love" or the burden I have, it's the never being seen and not belonging in this family, in the community, in the current dogma, in this county, in this realm, in the vibration, on this earth, on this stellar sys...

My only friend at the moment is annoyingly gaslit, sleepy and unclear and it's driving me crazy. I hate how easy she lets others direct her and how brainwashed she is and just let's it slip and how slow she is. It drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet I keep seeking acceptance and guidance from her. It's driving me C R A Z Y. She annoys me like crazy and I cling onto her and it makes me tear hair from my head. I also take her doubt and cloudiness and it makes it horrible it makes me abandon myself and I feel horror and I don't know which role to take and sometimes I might turn the irritation or disgust and anger I have towards me, to me.  On the other end, she mirrors back my doubtful and side that gives in to others and acts ignorant which I dislike. I directly talked to her yesterday about a certain dynamic I have that causes me pain and I had this wording of "it's as if I was looking into a mirror". I thought it meant something like that it would tell about ...

sugar makes my mind and thoughts go blurry and cloudy. It makes me want to not to decide and give into bad ideas. And then I feel off and angry and then I get more sugary stuff, or wheat or milk, and the same thing happens. I try to avoid cutting ties to mom and her opinions or to thinking what they are. And she, this is a separate thing from my addiction and avoidance pattern (just to make it clear to me), gives food and offers food and I'm scared of letting her go because then I wouldn't have the food she offers. I get a false happiness and a false high and while I'm at it , I honestly am not interested in my truth or anything that actually matters. I feel disappointed and frustrated and it feels like my life is at a pause , it's a false life and even though I feel good it feels off. It feels like a fake layer above my actual mood and I feel anxiety from it I don't want the food anymore it's not real. Anyways, it's her, like, all I ever got from her. It...